You robbed me of my emotions, you took away my freedom, with a knife you embroidered my fears and pains on my skin and transformed me into a freak.
Of course, I know you are waiting and watching me. I can feel your lifeless eyes burn my skin. I don’t want to give you the satisfaction of my gaze, so I walk through the emptiness that seems crowded, and feel comfortable in the screaming silence. So many times I have dreamed of this breath-taking moment in which I would leave you to die and to cease to exist. It’s like seeing a great eternal dream.
I still can recall how you had panicked and had futilely struggled to get away. The wide-eyed look of horrified fear had sent delicious shivers down my spine, causing those shivers to ripple across my skin. I couldn’t get enough. I had felt a primal need for more. Fear- I could smell the tainted traces of fear. Yours. I wanted to drink it in as I planned to swap away your very existence from the face of earth. And then the stabbing and twisting of the knife into tender flesh as scarlet satin painted the wall. Taking pleasure, perverse pleasure, in watching those dark eyes of yours widen in shock, in realization, in terror-
How can I describe it? Taste of tenderness in cruelty, sense of urgent desire in cold eyes.
All these years being in your presence were nothing more than torture. I hated the way how you looked at me, looked as if I were nothing but filth on your shoes. You always taunted me, called me a child and laughed at my failures, even though you knew very well that my greatest fear was to make mistakes and to disappoint you. You shoved my dreams aside, filled me with your own ideas and forced your religion on me. At the end, at the breaking point, I couldn’t stand your vile presence anymore and threw everything, religion and ideas, right back at you.
I’m not afraid to wield the scythe of death once more and I will fight for my overflowing urges that reside within my heart with my very last breath. I will not leave regrets on this earth, even if it means that my feet can get caught on the shackles of sacrifice. Despite all your bitterness and malice you were the one who pushed me from behind. If it weren’t for you, I would never have come this far. Everyone says that I’m the splitting image of you. I have always denied it but now I think to some extent it’s true. We are both egoistic, thinking only of our own dreams and ideas. But unlike you I’m cold and calculating, trying to take advantage of others’ kindness and weakness, to manipulate things to my liking. I’m a trickster who knows no solitude1.
Fear, pain, promises, lies, grief, oaths, loneliness… I will never be weak enough to be captured by them1.
Wandering around in the rift between reality and idealism, I reflect on my choice. I saw both sides of the coin, both options that were presented to me. I saw the imminent, I saw the past but the curse was nevertheless the only choice. The edge was my choice!
Upon looking at my bloodstained hands, the abyss of anguish flits briefly across the mist of my mind. But it means nothing now as it had meant nothing before. This vast numbness is all that matters. The nothingness extinguishes the last lingering light. All is dark.
1 inspired by/cited from Nightmare – Alumina (English Version) Lyrics
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